By Anne Ream

All human interactions involve working out conflicts of interest. We cannot be in a relationship without conflict. Working through conflict is an important relationship skill.

Everyone needs some control over their life. A relationship in which one person has most of the control is out of balance and lacks intimacy. How can two people develop a relationship in which control is balanced?

Owning personal power is part of having control and working through conflict. Our personal power begins with our emotions. Knowing what we are feeling, in the moment, is our power. When we recognize an emotion we can integrate it with our thoughts and make informed decisions about our behavior. If the feeling is a lack of comfort, we can tell the other person, "I don't feel comfortable with that" and request time to think about the issue.

Telling another person, "You make me feel..." is an abdication of responsibility and power over our feelings. We can control our feelings, thoughts and behaviors. We do have choices. If we tell someone, "When you said that, I felt hurt," we are owning our feelings. The other person is then responsible (in control) for their response. Owning our feelings gives us power and control.

At times the choice will be to leave, or alter our role in a relationship. If the other person continues to choose to relate to us using behaviors we are not comfortable with, we can leave the relationship or change how we participate in it. After telling the other person how we feel and what we will or will not accept in our relationship with them, it is their choice to change how they respond to us. If they choose not to change their behaviors, we have the power to leave the relationship completely or partially.

Control never belongs to one person. A person who tries to have too much control often does so out of fear. They feel afraid of not having enough control. This fear can originate from a variety of problems, and is often the result of attachment trauma. Good therapy can help them work through these fears. If they do not get the help they need, the result of their need to control others may be loss of the relationship.

Another result can be a relationship in which both people learn how to just tolerate one another resulting in a loss of intimacy in the relationship. If one person cannot be open, honest and real with the other because the other does not respect the emotional boundaries they set through honest communication of feelings, they will be less honest, participate less in the relationship or leave the relationship. Sometimes, the healthiest thing to do is to leave.

In romantic relationships, it is the capacity for emotional intimacy that leads to true sexual intimacy. If one person cannot allow another to have her feelings and tries to control the other by telling her what or how she "should" feel, intimacy will be lost in several areas of the relationship. No one can control another person's feelings. Everyone has a right to their feelings and when feelings are heard, respected and responded to with empathy they can begin to change.

Family members need to hear, respect and respond to one another's feeling's with empathy, as well. As children grow up, it is important for them to develop differently from their parents and siblings; to individuate. When these differences are allowed and respected, the relationship will grow and change. If one member of the family is invested in controlling the family relationship(s), differences will be perceived as threatening. Responses to other's feeling's will lack sensitivity and respect. The family is a system in which social learning occurs. When an individual does not feel they can differ from other family members and still receive their family's love, they lose self-esteem and confidence. If that individual cannot be heard by family members they may need to pull away and detach from their family, to survive emotionally.

Conflict can have a healthy impact on relationships. Healthy people can hear and respect the feelings of people they love. They can make many of the changes they need to make to grow flexibly with someone they are intimately involved with. Sometimes this may involve making sacrifices, in the moment, for the love of another person. Conflict can bring about growth. Controlling others can stifle growth. Everything changes and ends. Learning how to be flexible and change oneself can defer the end.